


and we would love again.

by angelica_barnes



Series: ABC [10]
Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, DID I MENTION LOVE, Grief/Mourning, Love, Other, lots of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 19:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20013409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelica_barnes/pseuds/angelica_barnes
Summary: It takes her five days to die.10. just (us two)





	and we would love again.

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from "The End of the World" by Billie Eilish (so beautiful, god I love her, you should totally check it out)
> 
> PLAYLIST :
> 
> The End Of The World - Billie Eilish
> 
> I Get To Love You - Ruelle
> 
> Come Out And Play - Billie Eilish
> 
> Hold On - Chord Overstreet
> 
> enjoy!!!

**so it finally came to pass.**

**I saw the end of the world.**

**I saw the madness unfold**

**like some primal burial.**

**and I looked back upon armageddon**

**and the moment of truth between**

**you and me.**

**if we had five more minutes**

**of air to breathe**

**and we cried all through it**

**would you stay here with me?**

**on our last few drags**

**of air we agree**

**I was**

**and you were**

**happy.**

**\- Billie Eilish (The End Of The World)**

  
  


It takes her five days to die.

Five agonizing, painful,  _ long _ days of nothing but smiles and conversation and raspy laughs that remind them that soon enough, she’ll be gone, and the fingers in between theirs will be nothing but ghosts.

Maybe it’s not too late to start hoping for a miracle. The joke falls flat from Ezekiel’s lips, but still the thought stays hanging in the air. At night, when the nurses have forced them out the door, they walk home with their hands in their pockets. Never touching each other; only Ezekiel glancing worriedly at Jake as the cowboy mutters prayers to some god for that miracle.

-

They’ve had a king bed for a long as Ezekiel can remember. It was there the day they arrived at the Library, and it followed them to the Annex when they left, along with Cass’ favorite floral throw pillows and Jake’s plaid down comforters and Ezekiel’s furry blankets with the built-in animal hoods.

It’s an ugly bed, sure, but it’s theirs.

It’s been about a month since Cassie has slept in it with them, and Ezekiel wonders if the empty space between he and Jake will ever be full again. As days go by the distance between them grows until both of them have a designated side of the bed and face away from each other.

Ezekiel wonders if Jake is closing himself off in preparation or in pain, but either way, Ezekiel has started clenching his fists to stop the shaking of his hands with the need to touch, touch, touch.

-

Jake hasn’t lost anyone before. At least not like this. Not with the devastating, crushing feeling that comes with not being able to breathe as you realize that soon enough, they won’t be able to either.

And that  _ terrifies _ him. The knowledge that he won’t be able to hold Cassie’s hand, or kiss her lips, or hear her voice or her laugh or feel her heartbeat against his chest is terrifying.

He becomes paralyzed with fear at the thought of losing her, fear he convinces himself is invalid because they all knew it was going to happen when they started this and he’s seen plenty of people move on from the end of the world, but this feels like his universe is crumbling in his hands and he can’t catch even the slightest piece of it.

Ezekiel’s breathing is even, quiet, as he sleeps and Jake keeps his hand on Ezekiel’s chest and his eyes on Ezekiel’s face until he, too, collapses into un-reality where there’s no fear of waking up.

-

Things…  _ change _ without her there. Sometimes Ezekiel makes a joke and she’s not there to hear it, or Jake starts dancing and forgets that she’s not there to take his hand. It’s a disaster, it seems, with both of them trying to constantly reassure the other. A half-hearted laugh, two clumsy feet, three dents in a bed that only two people sleep in.

Those five days in the hospital are some of the best memories they have, but they’re still tainted by that black and white film, their laughter mixing uneasily with their grief.

Ezekiel’s voice wavers as he cracks a joke about how it’s too early to grieve because she’s right there holding their hands, but it’s not really funny, though they laugh.

Because she’s already dead, gone from their bed and their lives, even if her chest still rises and falls.

-

Ezekiel’s fingers find their way to Jake’s on the third night. He can’t stand not touching him any longer, knowing that soon their Cassie’s fingers will be torn from him too, for good.

Jake shifts his hand in Ezekiel’s, and the thief panics for a moment, feeling the air flood through the empty spaces in between his fingers, but then Jake clasps their palms together again, threading their fingers together.

Ezekiel sags back into the pillows, curling towards Jake and blinking back tears.

Jake lifts their hands and kisses the back of Ezekiel’s, his lips lingering there for a second longer than they need to, and Ezekiel memorizes every second of this almost perfect moment because he wants something to hold on to when he leaves.

-

Jake knows Ezekiel is barely keeping it together. That if the thief hasn’t left already, he will soon, and Jake is building his walls up again, waiting for the day that he wakes up to two dents instead of just one, Ezekiel’s fingerprints still warm on Jake’s skin.

Jake peels himself out of bed, pulling on some boots and a worn denim jacket, forcing himself out of their bedroom sanctuary and down the hall to the kitchen, where Ezekiel is sitting at the table.

His fingers are drumming out a beat on the wood, a steaming cup of tea sitting directly under his nose as he breathes in its lemony warmth, and Jake feels a fond smile flicker briefly across his face. The sight is almost like the old days.

A snoring Cassandra is missing from her pink chair, no bedhead plunked on the table. Jake takes a reckless step forward with his hand stretched out towards her phantom and breaks the silence with a creaking floorboard.

Ezekiel’s eyes snap open and he bolts up, knocking over his chair and rushing from the room before Jake can catch his hand and mouth, “Sorry.”

-

The fourth day is messy, the day Ezekiel is skittish and tearful and clingy, and Jake punches a bathroom wall and cries out in pain, clutching his fist to his chest, and Ezekiel has a panic attack while trying to help him.

Cass watches them with a sad smile, the sense of fondness almost entirely gone, having disappeared with long nights of poking and prodding and loneliness, hoping one of her boys would call.

But they never did and she watches them now, breaking down over her death that hasn’t even happened yet.

-

They don’t go home the fourth night. The nurses don’t even try and force them out, knowing that Cassandra has maybe three nights, tops. The word hope has lost its meaning, and the nurses don’t bother to apologize for their loss, because they have seen broken men before and know that nothing could keep their anger and sadness from consuming them, not right as the end comes. Their passion burns too furiously for the nurses’ wet washed hands to soothe without entirely putting out.

Ezekiel is grasping her hand loosely, staring at her with the exhaustion that comes with loving someone you were born to lose. Jake won’t say a word, his lips to her knuckles as he rocks back and forth in his seat.

“I miss you, Cassie,” Ezekiel whispers, voice breaking. “Tell that brain grape to fuck off. Please.”

She looks into his pleading eyes, and she sees that he no longer believes in reason, because how could reason possibly condone this? No god, he’s always said, and she’s starting to think he’s right.

Jake’s voice is raspy as he whispers a song to her, a lullaby, and tells her as her eyes droop closed, “Sweet dreams, darlin’.”

She dies in the first minute of the fifth day, and her hands stay warm for hours afterwards, the blush still caught in her cheeks. Her smile is sweet, framed by freckles spotting her skin, and neither man can look away.

The minute after midnight is the longest of their lives, and it ends all too soon.

-

Ezekiel shuffles after three hours of motionless breathing, to reach out across the bed and rest his hand on Cass’ still stomach.

Ten minutes later, Jake slowly pulls one of his trembling hands from Cassie’s and lays it over Ezekiel’s on the blankets.

Ezekiel swallows and curls his fingers around Jake’s.

“Promise not to leave her?”

Jake doesn’t look away from Cass’ face, even as Ezekiel watches him with desperate eyes. Emotionless, he whispers, “Promise.”

-

The nurses don’t dare open the door. They know the girl is dead, and has been for hours, that her skin has gone ashen and grey and there’s nothing left for those boys here.

But they don’t leave even as the sun sets, slumping forward in their chairs with exhaustion, and finally the nurses call Jenkins to come and take them home.

-

When they wake up, the bed has shrunk into a queen, with a gargoyle stuffed animal and Monet painting pillows, and Ezekiel squeezes his eyes shut and shoves his face into Jake’s side, not wanting to see their bed turn into just  _ theirs _ .

Jake doesn’t open his eyes at all, his fingers tracing absent-minded patterns on Ezekiel’s back, and the tears don’t come until they see her drawings have been erased from the ceiling.

-

“I love you,” Ezekiel mumbles after three days have passed, and Jake says nothing in return.

That’s okay, Ezekiel reminds himself, as Jake pulls the thief to his chest and kisses him until they both forget how to breathe.

Maybe if they forget enough, they’ll lose their breath altogether, and maybe then they’ll see her again.

  
  


**we’ll end just like we started**

**just you and me and no one else**

**I will hold you where my heart is**

**one life for the two of us.**

**\- Louis Tomlinson (Two Of Us)**

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really really sorry :'( i love them so much they're my #1 ot3 i'm so sorry hope you enjoyed though! :)


End file.
